Damn Bella
by ZooperDooper
Summary: Ways to annoy the Cullen family, By Bella Swan.
1. Edward

**I'm sorry to all my Dream a Little Dream of Me readers, I have written most of the next chapter and I promise I will have it updated sometime this week. In the meantime I have this story to keep you occupied.**

**Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>10 ways to annoy Edward Cullen:<strong>

**10.** _Sing "Bad touch" By the Bloodhound Gang in your head or out loud whenever he is near._

Bella's hips swayed provocatively in the Cullen's living room. In her hand was a bottle of Jack Daniels and in the other was a… condom?

Bella came up with an elaborate scheme to get Edward to sleep with her, well it was Emmett's idea, but Bella agreed.

She had raided Alice's wardrobe and found the sluttiest thing she could wear, which was a cop costume for Halloween.

"He's coming!" Emmett whisper-yelled to her from upstairs, excitement coloring his tone. Emmett had done the unthinkable, the impossible. He somehow got Bella to go darkside, and in the space of two weeks she had already out-smarted and out-done Emmett in every possible way. Isabella Marie Swan is the Cullen family trickster, and boy is she good at it.

Bella smoothed out invisible crinkles in her dress and steeled herself for what she was about to do, she walked over to the stereo and pressed play, right as Edward walked into the house.

_Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought._

_Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about._

_So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts_

_Yes I'm Siskel, yes I'm Hebert and you're getting two thumbs up. _

Bella resumed swaying her hips and taking swigs out the Jack Daniels bottle. Her hand slid down her body as she screamed out the lyrics.

_Come quicker than Fed-ex never reach an apex_

_Just like Coca-Cola stock_

_You are inclined to make me rise an hour early_

_Just like daylight savings time._

She turned around and looked at Edward who was standing in the entry way, eyes wide and mouth wide open. She flicked the condom at him and he caught it, he looked at her shocked, she winked and started belting out the chorus.

_(Do it now)_

_You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals_

_So let's do it how they do on the discovery channel._

_(Do it again now)_

_You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals_

_So let's do it like they do on the discovery channel._

_(Gettin' horny now)_

The music stopped suddenly, Bella frowned and turned towards the stereo. Edward was standing next to the destroyed stereo with a crazy look in his eyes.

"Bella, please go and get changed." He said so calmly and quietly that it sent shivers down her spine. She nodded dejectedly and walked up to Edwards's room, but not before she saw the tent in his jeans, she snickered.

_Totally worth it._ She cackled evilly to herself.

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><p><strong>9. <strong>_Hotwire his Volvo and take it for a joy ride._

"Bella! How do you know how to hotwire a car?" Emmett asked in awe. Bella simply smirked.

"I saw it on an episode of 24." She replied. The engine started with a purr. They both giggled like little kids who know they are doing something naughty but don't care.

"Do you have the jams?" She asked. Emmett gave her an incredulous look.

"Of course! The only job you give me. I'm gonna do it right." He said. He took out a CD from underneath his jacket and put it into the disk drive, the music blasted through the speakers on high.

_I get knocked down_

_But I get up again_

_You're never gonna keep me down._

"Let's do this!" Emmett yelled.

Bella put it in gear and gunned it. They were going 120 in a 60 zone but they didn't care. They headbanged to the chorus and sped into town.

_Meanwhile:_

"Why did you drag me into town, Alice?" Edward groaned as he sat in the store watching Alice try on various articles of clothing.

"No one else would go with me." She pouted spinning around showing off a red strapless dress.

"That one's nice. Brings out the vampire in your eyes." He said sarcastically. Alice glared at him.

"Do you hear something?" He asked looking out the window at traffic. Alice nodded her head.

"Is that… Tubthumping?" She said.

_I get knocked down_

_But I get up again_

_You're never gonna keep me down._

Just then Bella and Emmett screamed passed the little shop in Edwards Volvo, about five cop cars on their tail.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"Bella screamed as the car swerved and disappeared from sight.

Edward and Alice stared at eachother in shock. Then Edward fished the keys to the Volvo from his back pocket and held them up.

"Shit!" The cursed in unison.

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><p><strong>8.<strong> _Tell him the relationship he has with Bella is practically pedophile and he could get sent to jail for it._

"Hey Edward, Edward, Edward, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Ed, Ed, Ed, Eddie-boy, Ed—"

"WHAT!"

"Did you know that your relationship with Bella is really gross? You're like 100 years older than her. This is a very punishable offence with a minimum penalty of—"

"GO AWAY EMMETT!"

"Jeez no need to yell I was just—"

"EMMETT!"

"Okay, I'm gone."

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><p><strong>7. <strong>_Give his number to Jessica and tell her he's interested._

"Are you okay, Bella?" Jessica asked her. Bella had her head in her hands and was wailing hysterically. They were sitting in the cafeteria at school; everybody had their eyes on a wailing Bella.

"E-Ed-Edward b-broke up w-with m-me." She sobbed adding more tears and wailing for effect. Jessica patted her back awkwardly, really hoping she would shut up.

"Uh, I'm sorry about that." Jessica said, inside she was screaming with joy. On the other side of the table no one noticed Lauren who made the boo-ya sign with her arm.

"I-its o-okay I'm t-totally o-over h-him." She sobbed some more.

"Well if there's anything I can do…?" She trailed off. Bella suddenly stopped crying and turned to face Jessica.

"Edward wanted me to give you this." She said handing over a card with a number on it.

"It's his phone number, he's interested in you. Call him." She said. Jessica stared slack jawed at the card

"I-I will." She promised, a weird glint in her eyes. Bella nodded and walked out of the cafeteria. She met up with Emmett at the tree line. Since it was sunny the Cullens couldn't come to school.

"Did you do it?" He asked. Bella smirked.

"Thunderbirds are go." She said.

"Now all we need to do is wait."

_Meanwhile:_

"Yo, Edward. Where's Emmett?" Jasper asked from upstairs, Edward shrugged uninterested. Suddenly his phone rang, the harsh sound vibrating from his pocket.

"Hello?" He answered not bothering to check the number. Deep breathing came from the other side.

"I've dreamt about this moment for like, forever." A woman's voice said.

"Who is this?" He asked confused.

"Only the woman of your dreams." The voice replied. Edward shook his head and hung up. Three seconds later his phone rang again.

"Hello." He answered.

"Edward? Why did you hang up on me?" The voice said. Edward sighed and hung up again. A minute later it rang again.

_This is going to be a very long day. _He groaned to himself.

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><p><strong>6. <strong>_End every argument with "Bite me, Edward."_

"No, Bella. You are not becoming a vampire." The tone of his voice clearly said end of discussion, but Bella was stubborn.

"That will never work! I'll be an old grey virgin because you refuse to have sex with me!" She yelled. The Cullens snickered from downstairs.

"Can't you put your self-loathing issues aside and just turn me?" She said quieter now. Edward sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"No, Bella." He growled. Bella huffed and glared at him, his eyes immediately softened.

"I'm sorry, love." He murmured reaching forward to embrace her. She moved back and glared at him.

"Bite me, Edward." She growled and stormed out of the room. Downstairs the Cullens burst into loud laughter.

"Damn Emmett."

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><p><strong>5. <strong>_Call him Romeo behind his back and to his face._

"Romeo, Romeo. Where art thou Romeo?" Bella voice floated downstairs. Jasper and Rosalie looked at Edward confused.

"I'm down here, Bella." He ground out. A minute later Bella was on the couch snuggled next to Edwa- pardon me, Romeo.

"Can we watch a movie, Romeo?" She asked. Edward stiffened and glared at the window.

"Of course, Bella." He barely managed to keep his voice above a growl.

"Yay!" She squealed and ran over to their DVD collection.

"Man you are so screwed." Jasper's voice laughed at vampire speed.

"Shut up."

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><p><strong>4. <strong>_Whenever he complains or argues respond with "What are you gonna do Edward? Go to Italy?"_

"Bella, do we have to drive your car?" Edward groaned. Bella glared at him, she was sick and tired of hearing him bitch and moan about her beloved truck.

"What are you gonna do Edward? Go to Italy?" She sassed.

That shut him up the whole way home.

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><p><strong>3. <strong>_Tell him his hair isn't bronze, it's ginger, and he should stop denying himself- he's a ranga._

Bella was running her fingers through Edwards's hair. She had a contemplating look on her face. It was a lovely peaceful moment.

"What's on your mind, love?" He asked. After a moment she responded.

"You're hair isn't bronze, it's ranga, you should stop denying it, sweetie." She replied.

Lovely peaceful moment ruined.

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><p><strong>2. <strong>_Whenever he leaves the room or says goodbye, get on your knees and beg him not to leave you, not again._

"I'll be right back, Bella. Alice needs me." He said getting up off the bed and walking towards the door. He didn't get far because a human sized thing was latched onto his leg.

"No! Don't leave me! You promised you wouldn't leave me again!" It wailed and screamed. Edward looked around in panic.

"Bella, I'll only be a minute, I'll be right back." Edward reassured her. She sniffed and jumped up, a smile placed perfectly on her face.

"Okay then, hurry back." She chirped and skipped over to the bed.

_What the hell just happened?_ Edward thought as he walked out of the room.

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><p><strong>1. <strong>_Take his phone and change the ringtone to "Like a Virgin." By Madonna._

"Will you be okay, love?" Edward asked worriedly. Bella nodded and sniffed.

"I'll be fine, it's just a cold. You go to school, but keep your phone on. I'll text you if I need anything." She sniffled. Edward nodded and kissed her forehead.

Edward was sitting in Biology, thinking about Bella and whether she'll be alright. Suddenly his phone went off and the monstrosity of a song blasted from the tiny speakers.

_Like a virgin_

_Touched for the very first time._

_Like a virgin_

_When your heart beats,_

_Next to mine._

Laughter erupted from the room and Edward knew that if he was human, he would be so red right now.

"Edward Cullen! Do you have a phone?" Mr. Banner yelled, he was delighted that Cullen finally got in trouble with something.

"Well, yes but—"Edward tried.

"Hand it over." He said holding out his hand for the phone. Edward handed it over; the person who was ringing had called over and over again. Edward caught a flash of who it was, Bella. He growled.

_She is so dead._

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><p><strong>Coming up next is: 10 ways to annoy Jasper Hale.<strong>

**This chapter was soooo hard to write, I hate Bella/Edward, it makes me so… grumpy.**

**Since the next chapter has nothing really to do with the first, maybe I should turn it into a Bella/Jasper fic?**

**What do you think?**

**I probably will, but for all you Bella/Edward fans I will make it light.**

**Peace out,**

**ZooperDooper.**


	2. Jasper

**Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2:<strong>

**Jasper Hale.**

**1. Beg him not to eat you.**

"Dear god, Jasper please don't eat me!"

"Bella, I won't eat you."

"DON'T EAT ME! I WANT TO LIVE!"

"Bella, I promise I will NOT eat you!"

"Okay, I believe you."

"Do you think you could let go of my leg now?"

"No."

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><p><strong>2. Whenever he says anything, snap to attention and shout "Sir, yes, sir!" and salute, army style.<strong>

Bella and Jasper were in the kitchen baking cookies. Well, Bella was just watching Jasper make a fool of himself.

"Bella, can you hand me over those eggs please?" Jasper asked.

"Sir, yes sir!" Bella yelled in a deep voice and saluted him. Jasper just rolled his eyes.

"Oh, and those beaters too please."

"Sir, yes sir!" She yelled again. Jasper sighed.

"Can you please not do that, Bella." He groaned.

"Sir, yes sir!" Bella yelled again.

"Don't make me eat you…" Jasper warned. Bella just laughed and left the room but not before yelling:

"Sir, yes sir!"

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><p><strong>3. Send out waves of lust and see how he reacts.<strong>

Jasper was quietly sitting in the living room reading War &Peace when Bella walked into the room. Automatically Jasper stiffened, not because of her blood, but because he was absolutely terrified of this little human.

But it seems that Jasper is in luck because Bella sat down on the love couch and started reading. Jasper relaxed and continued reading his book.

A few minutes into reading he squirmed a little bit. A small dose of lust hit him and he looked over to Bella, who is still reading. He shook of the feeling and continued reading.

For half an hour Jasper was fighting off small feelings of lust coming from Bella. He was starting to feel smug about the fact that not only was Bella radiating lust, but disappointment as well. Jasper let out a small chuckle and turned the page. Bella mimicked that chuckle and suddenly a large dose of lust and desire hit him like a ton of bricks.

Unable to control any of his actions and fuelled by desire and lust he pounced on the nearby female. This unfortunately was Bella. Jasper crushed his lips to hers and forced his tongue down her throat. Bella by some miracle managed to break away and she screamed at the top of her lungs:

"RAPE!"

That snapped Jasper out of his lust filled craze and he pushed himself of her.

"God Bella I'm so sorry." He apologized profusely. Jasper was expecting her to run away in fear, but the human always manages to surprise him. Bella started laughing hysterically. She clutched her stomach and slapped her knees.

Jasper watched as Bella seemed to be having some sort of epileptic fit. It was then that the rest of the Cullens walked through the door.

"What did you do to her?" Edward yelled. By now Bella was rolling on the floor, kicking her feet, laughing like a maniac. Jasper scowled down at Bella and then at Edward.

"Couldn't you have picked a girl that wasn't so buckets of crazy?"

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><p><strong>4. Tell everyone that Jasper didn't get his scars from fighting, then wiggle your eyebrows suggestively while looking at Alice.<strong>

"Guys, I have something very important I need to tell you." Bella said solemnly. Everybody was seated at the family table and looking at Bella in concern.

"What is it, love?" Edward asked. He couldn't help but think she was dumping him to be with that flea bag Jacob. Bella took a big breath and started.

"I thought everybody should know this and I can't keep it a secret anymore." She wailed. The Cullens were filled with a sense of dread at what Bella was about to tell them.

"Jasper didn't get his scars from fighting." She said. Everybody looked at Jasper in confusion. Jasper looked like he was choking on something. Bella than looked pointedly at Alice and wiggled her eyebrows.

"What!" Jasper sputtered. Bella than proceeded to make dirty signs with her hands and make weird sexual noises.

"Wow Edward you sure can pick em'" Emmett laughed and left the table.

But Edward couldn't help but be relieved.

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><p><strong>5. Splatter red paint all over his and Alice's room and videotape his reaction.<strong>

Bella laughed maniacally as she splattered red paint across the walls of Jasper and Alice's room. She then wrote words with the blood red paint like "7 days…" and "I know where you live…"

When she finished painting her masterpiece she wiped a hand across her forehead and sighed. The opening of the front door alerted her to the presence of Jasper. Quickly tip toeing over to the video camera she had hidden behind a vase of flowers, she clicked the record button and ran into Alice's oversized wardrobe. The door was open just enough to see Jasper's reaction.

The bedroom door opened and she almost laughed at the horrified expression on Jasper's face. She saw the pupils of his eyes grow bigger with thirst and she laughs into her hand. Obviously Jasper was too distracted to hear her.

Bella laughed silently as she watched Jasper try to lick the paint off the walls and couldn't hold it in any longer when she saw his confused expression. His eyes darted to her hiding place and she scooted backwards when the door was almost ripped of its hinges.

"He he he, hi." She giggled innocently.

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><p><strong>6. When he gets to close make your fingers into a cross and cry, "The power of Christ compels you!"<strong>

Jasper wringed his hands together nervously as he stood outside Edward's bedroom door. Just behind it was the very human he came to fear and admire, the very human who he held by the collar of her shirt from the roof of the house because she completely ruined his bedroom. The bedroom door opened and Edward walked out glaring at him.

"She's ready to see you now." He growled and opened the door wider. He gasped when he saw Bella huddled up in the corner with a blanket wrapped tightly around, shaking and muttering about "Never trusting a vampire again."

He closed the door and walked towards her.

"Bella I am so sor—" Jasper was cut off when Bella suddenly jumped up and screamed:

"The power of Christ compels you!" While making the cross sign with her fingers. Jasper sighed.

"Fuck it." He muttered and walked out of the room, leaving a hysterical Bella behind.

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><p><strong>7. Dress up in a cape and fangs and leap out when he least expects it, proclaiming you have come to suck his blood.<strong>

"I vwant to suck your blooooood." Bella cried as she jumped out of the hallway closet.

"Holy fuck!" Jasper yelled. Bella was decked out in a count Dracula costume, she had the fangs and everything.

"Bella, you really need to see a therapist."

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><p><strong>8. Walk into a room as quietly as possible then yell "Attent hut!"<strong>

Peace and quiet is something that's hard to find in the Cullen household since Bella went spastic. But Edward told Jasper Bella was spending the day with Charlie so he figured he would make the most of this rarity.

"Attent hut!" Bella yelled. Without thinking Jasper automatically jumped up and saluted.

"Bella!"

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><p><strong>9. Ask him how he is feeling, shrink style.<strong>

"Jasper?"

"Yes, Bella."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Christ."

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><p><strong>10. Whenever he opens his mouth scream "LIES!"<strong>

Today was the day Jasper finally decided to stand up to the monster named Bella. He stormed through the front door and listened closely, he heard a heart beating in the living room. With fierce determination he stormed into the room.

"Bella!" He hollered. The spawn of the devil was sitting serenely on the couch with Emmett and Edward.

"Yes Jasper?" She replied calmly. Jasper swallowed down all his fear and opened his mouth.

"LIES LIES LIES!" She screamed at the top of her voice. The sound of her voice shocked Jasper so badly he jumped a mile and ran upstairs to Alice.

"Bella, love. Was that really necessary?" Edward asked as he listened to Jasper's silent sobs from upstairs. Bella said nothing, only turned her head to stare at Edward with a blank look that was strangely scary.

"I'm going to go check on Jasper." He gulped and darted upstairs.

"Me too." Emmett said and followed suit. Bella let out one small chuckle and continued watching Days of Our Lives.

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><p><strong>Next chapter will be Alice.<strong>

**Please leave a review telling me what you think.**

**Until next time,**

**ZooperDooper.**


	3. Alice

**A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed, I love you all.**

**Please review and I'll update faster.**

**Enjoy. **

** Oh! I've added a quote in here from a TV show, if you can tell me what the show is and who said it then I'll put on of your ideas in for Carlisle.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3:<strong>

**Alice Cullen.**

**1. Cut up all her clothes and replace them with WAY too big baggy, trashy clothes.**

"And snip and snip and snip and snippety snip."Bella sung under her breath as she sat in Alice's oversized wardrobe snipping away at all her clothes. She heard a big sigh coming from behind.

"Bella, why am I here?" Jacob groaned.

"God, you're such a baby." She quipped while ripping a pair of black studded leggings.

"I am NOT a baby!" Jacob exclaimed outraged. Bella just rolled her eyes.

"There, that's all of them." Bella smiled happily. Jacob smiled as well, happy to see her happy. Even of it involved ruining someone's life.

"Now, go down to my car and get the big garbage bag in the back." She ordered him.

"Bella, I'm not your lap dog. Do it yourself." He huffed. Bella glared at him.

"It's too heavy for me, asswipe. C'mon bitch, go go go." She yelled. Jacob sulked and stalked downstairs. He was back in a minute with a huge bag.

"Excellent." Bella cackled. Jacob raised an eyebrow and dumped the bag in the wardrobe.

"The Simpsons? Bella, really?" He taunted.

"Shut up, bitch." She replied.

The next half an hour revolved around pulling out all the god awful clothes, putting them on coat hangers and hanging them up where Alice's old clothes used to be.

"Okay, that's all of them." Bella sighed.

"Where did you get these clothes?" Jacob asked.

"Homeless shelter." She replied. Jacob looked like someone told him Kim Kardashian was a man. Bella looked at the clock and cursed under her breath.

"They should be here any second now, let's go." Bella urged, pulling Jacob down the stairs and out of the house. Sure enough, a few minutes later, the Cullens arrived back from their hunt.

"Okay, does anybody else smell wet dog?" Jasper sniffed. Alice's eyes suddenly went wide from horror.

"She didn't!" She hissed and raced upstairs.

"NOOOOOO!" Was heard a second later. Everyone rushed upstairs to see Alice on the ground dry sobbing, trying to stick two pieces of fabric back together with a glue stick.

"Alice, honey. Their gone." Jasper said solemnly, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. She looked at him with desperation and agony.

"So young." She choked out.

"I know, sweetie, I know." He soothed her.

**X-X**

"Ha! Bella nice one!" Jacob yelled and fist pumped. Bella just nodded and examined her nails.

"BELLA! JACOB!" They heard Alice scream from inside the house. Jacob paled instantly while Bella looked bored.

"Oh god, she's going to kill me! Bella why did you make me do this?" Jacob whined. Bella gave him a strange look.

"You know who whines… babies."

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><p><strong>2. Destroy her beloved Porsche.<strong>

"Okay, Bella. Why am _I _here? This seems like something you should ask Jacob to do." Seth asked.

"Because, Seth, Alice can't see wolves, therefore she can't see me and what I'm about to do to her car. And Jacobs been afraid to leave La Push incase he runs into her. Pussy…"

Alice had gone shopping in Seattle to replace all the clothes Bella had cut up. Alice had gone a little ballistic when she was told she had to wait a few days to go shopping. She walked around the house in her underwear because she refused to wear anything until Carlisle let her go shopping, she randomly broke out in sobs and she was caught dancing around a pyre, burning the homeless clothes Bella had given her.

"Bella, what are you doing with that? BELLA!" Seth yelled when she pulled out a black paintball gun and started shooting the car.

"Pick one up Seth, c'mon its fun." She encouraged. Kind of afraid of what crazy Bella would do to him if he didn't, Seth picked up the spare paintball gun and started shooting.

"Whoo!" She yelled. Seth was surprised when he found himself enjoying it; crazy ass Bella was actually kinda fun.

"Okay, that's enough." Bella finally said when you couldn't even see one speck of yellow underneath the black blanket of paint. Seth let out a sigh of relief, because you could wash this off the car.

Seth didn't notice that Bella left but she returned with two crowbars in hand. She shoved one into his hand and started beating the shit out of the poor car.

"Bella! What the fuck!" Seth sputtered, dropping the crowbar.

"If you don't pick up that crowbar and help me, this car will become your face." She threatened. Driven by pure fear, Seth picked up the bar and started hammering away at the tires. After a good five minutes Bella finally stopped and stepped back to admire her work.

"Are done yet?" Seth asked.

"Just one more thing." Bella replied. She disappeared inside the Cullen garage and returned with a bottle of gasoline and matches.

"No way, sorry Bella but this is where I draw the line." Seth said firmly. Bella just shrugged.

"You don't have to help me, but if you move an inch I will cut your balls off in your sleep." She said calmly, and Seth believed her.

Bella poured the gasoline all over the car and inside, then lit the match and dropped it on the hood. Instantaneously the car combusted into bright orange flames. Bella cackled manically.

"Burn, bitch, burn!" She screamed. Seth backed away into the forest line surrounding the house, he thanked god the rest of the Cullen's were dragged with Alice and Carlisle was working.

Seth phased and ran as fast as he could, but not before he heard a squeal of tires and the very unmistakable sound of Alice screaming in outrage.

**3. Take one of the werewolves phones and text her "When are we gonna hook up again babe?"**

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><p>"Bella, give my phone back!" Jacob whined. Bella hissed at him.<p>

"Sit your ass down." She growled. She dialed in a series of digits and typed a quick text then hit send. A minute later she got a reply.

_Who is this?_

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><p><strong>4. Show it to Jasper.<strong>

"Jasper, I need to show you something." Bella said seriously. Jasper visibly flinched and shuffled like a little kid towards Bella.

"Yes Bella?" He asked timidly. Jasper was still scarred about the week Bella tormented him, he was still very frightened of the girl.

Bella pulled out Alice's phone and started shuffling through her texts, flinching at the amount of sexting she does with Jasper. She finally stopped at the right one and shoved the phone in Jasper's face.

**5. Videotape the reaction.**

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><p>Jasper's face darkened to a point that it almost scared Bella, almost. Just then Alice came barging into the Cullen lounge room.<p>

"Don't believe it, Jasper! It's fake I swear." She pleaded. Nobody noticed how Bella slinked off into the corner with a camcorder.

"How do I know it's not fake Alice? Have you been screwing one of the mutts?" He hissed. Alice shook her head in disbelief.

"No! How could you even ask me that? It was Bella!" She shrieked. Jasper growled.

"Prove it!" He challenged. Alice looked stumped for a moment, then her face lit up. She shuffled through her phone again and showed Jasper the text she sent back.

"See, I had no idea who it was!" Jasper's face lightened and he relaxed.

"I'm sorry I blamed you Alice." He apologized. Alice smiled.

"It's not your fault." She whispered. Both their eyes snapped over to Bella who had just finished recording. Jasper and Alice started to advance on her, looking pointedly toward the camera. Bella shoved the camera down her top and into her bra. She then jutted her chest out.

"Come and get it!" She yelled. Jasper automatically backed away while Alice still stalked towards her with a smirk on her face. Bella panicked for a moment but then calmed down considerably.

"If you touch one button on this camera I will make sure you live to regret the day you were changed. You think the damage I did to your clothes and car was bad, just wait until I have all of eternity to plan out my revenge. And trust me; I will include Jasper in on my vengeance as well." Bella threatened, her eyes flashing dangerously. Alice hesitated for a moment and then backed off with a scowl on her face.

She grabbed Jasper's hand and stalked out of the room.

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><p><strong>6. Ask her stupid questions about your future.<strong>

"Hey, Alice. What am I doing two weeks from now?"

"I don't know, Bella."

"What am I having for dinner tomorrow night?"

"I don't know, Bella."

"Pfft, some psychic you are."

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><p><strong>7. Take all her credit cards, hold them high above her head and say "Jump for it, jump for it!"<strong>

"Bella, give them back!"

"Jump for it shortie, c'mon jump for it!"

"BELLA!"

"Okay then, fetch shortie, fetch!"

* * *

><p><strong>8. Pelt her with cloves of garlic.<strong>

"Bella? Where did you go?" Alice yelled. It was Alice's turn for Bella sitting, and she already hated it. Bella had disappeared and Alice was starting to get a little frightened, a disappearing Bella was a plotting one.

"Bella?" She called out again, walking slowly up the stairs. It was like one of those horror movies you hate but love to watch. Each step she took there was a creak in the floorboards, it didn't help that it was late at night.

Suddenly, a figure decked out in all black jumped out in front of her and started throwing foul smelling things at her. Alice screamed at ran downstairs. She hid behind the couch, trembling slightly. She noticed that one of the things the masked person was throwing at her was stuck to one of the buttons of her blouse. She picked it up an examined it.

"Garlic!" She whispered outraged. Suddenly a hysterical laugh sounded upstairs and Alice trembled. Damn, Bella was scary at night.

* * *

><p><strong>9. Call her "Queen Alice, leader of the midgets."<strong>

"Hey, Alice." Bella said when she walked into the room. Alice nodded at her.

"You know, you are probably like the world's tallest midget." She commented. Alice looked at her incredulously.

"We should start calling you, Queen Alice, leader of the midgets." She giggled. Alice suddenly exploded.

"I AM NOT A MIDGET!" She screeched and ran from the room. Bella then turned to Emmett who was sitting across from her.

"What did I say?"

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><p><strong>10. Make business cards with her number on them reading, "Alice Cullen, fortune teller." And then hand them out to everyone.<strong>

Alice sighed as she rejoiced in the quiet comfort of a Bella free day. She savored the feel of silk satin sheets beneath her body. All of a sudden her phone started ringing.

"Hello?" She answered.

"_Hi, my name is Miranda and I would like a phone reading please."_

"Excuse me?"

"_My fiancé recently left me for another woman, and I was wondering if you see him getting Chlamydia or Herpes sometime in the immediate future?"_

"I'm sorry; I think you have the wrong number…"

"_Is your name Alice Cullen?"_

"Yes it is."

"_Then I've got the right number. What about the girl, do you see her getting brutally murdered? Because I've been getting these urges –"_

Alice gave up, Bella won. That human surely was sent from Hell to torture us all.

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><p><strong>Next chapter is Carlisle.<strong>

**Please review and tell me what your favourite part was. And what did you think of the introduction of Jacob and Seth?**

**Until next time,**

**ZooperDooper.**


	4. Apology

**Hey everybody.**

**I hate to do this and get your hopes up that it's an update, but I have to say something.**

**As you know I haven't updated most of my stories in a VERY long time. Especially my first couple of stories. I don't have a big fancy, elaborate excuse as to why, except this.**

**I was in a very dark place. I cut myself almost every night and contemplated suicide more than once, I was desperately unhappy and I don't why, writing was kind of my escape from that, and it brightened my day to get good reviews, no matter how short.**

**I like to say that I've gotten through that dark patch and helped myself. But I'm nowhere near healed yet. Don't worry about me though, I have found some of my lost determination and (For lack of better word) regained some of my inner fire.**

**My New Year's resolution was to be happy. I know, a little corny but I plan to stick to it. So far so good, I stopped cutting, I smile a bit more and for once I don't feel so lonely and depressed.**

**But, it seems that in the midst of healing myself I have changed in a lot of different ways. Half good half bad. **

**On the good note, I have grown more mature and see the world in a different light. I used to be so insecure about my appearance but now I know that flaws are what make people beautiful and unique, they define your character and who you are. So, that is a major win for me.**

**I'm not really gonna go into the bad part I'll say this though, my mental health is not what it used to be. It seems I lost a couple of screws. But, hey! You can't survive life if you're sane!**

**Wow! I just blabbed on a bit, huh?**

**In conclusion to my little rant, I am hereby saying that ZooperDooper is back! New and improved. I will update whenever I can but please keep in mind that I'm still emotionally raw and it might not be for a while.**

**I've started a new story for the anime, Bleach. And I intend to finish that!**

**To my beloved My Heart is an Ocean readers, don't worry and I will update as soon as I can. Bella and Jasper just aren't gonna live happily ever after yet!**

**God Save the Queen readers, I can't promise when I'll update, but I hope it can be soon. Don't fret, I won't quit the story and leave you guys on a cliffy, I'm not THAT heartless.**

**To my readers of any other story, words cannot express how sorry I am that I just left my stories hanging. I can't say that I will update soon, but I'm not the type to just give up, so have trust in me and be patient, I will update when the time is right.**

**So, I won't say goodbye, just hello from the new ZooperDooper, or rather, Kate.**

**Before I sign off I want to say that if you flame me for this, go fuck yourself. It seems that this new me has quite the temper ;)**

**Cya soon guys.**

**Until next time,**

**ZooperDooper. **


	5. Carlisle

**I know it's been a long time. A very long time, but I truly hope this chapter is to your liking.**

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><p>Thunder cracked in the distance and sudden lightening lit up the room momentarily. Rain pounded down, heavy on the roof, and small rivers of water leaked in through the open crack in the window. But the occupant of the cold and dark room paid it no mind.<p>

Isabella Swan cackled loudly and proclaimed, "Carlisle Cullen, you're next!"

_Thump Thump._

"Shut up, Bella, I'm trying to watch Desperate Housewives!"

"Sorry, Dad."

Back at the Cullen residence, Carlisle shivered.

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><p><strong>10. Call him Carlizzle.<strong>

"I'm home," Carlisle called out to the house he knew was empty since the family was out hunting. Suddenly a figure slinked out of the shadows, startling the vampire before he sighed in relief.

"Welcome home, Carlizzle."

"Bella, it's just you. What are you—Wait, did you just call me _Carlizzle_?"

The brunette girl merely smirked and backed away from him, not breaking eye contact. She continued to back away out the door, down the porch and up the driveway until she was out of sight, not once breaking eye contact with the slightly disturbed much older vampire.

Horror suddenly dawned across Carlisle's face.

"Oh god no!"

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><p><strong>9. Tell Esme that Carlisle licks his scalpels at night.<strong>

"ESME!" Bella wailed and flew down the stairs and into said vampire's arms. Esme pulled the girl off her and looked her worriedly in the eyes.

"Bella! What's wrong?" The girl sniffled and wiped away stray tears from her eyes.

"I have something I need to tell you, I don't think you'll like it," She started, "Carlisle licks his scalpels at night!"

Esme stared at the girl in disappointment, she knew that Bella was lying to her face and she didn't approve. Just as she was about to reprimand her, a picture was shoved in her face.

"I took a photo of it…" Bella whispered. The photo was obviously photo-shopped, even a complete moron would be able to tell that she photo-shopped Carlisle's face onto another person's body who was actually licking a bloody scalpel. But Esme was a vampire who knew very little about today's wondrous technology.

"Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Bella," Esme murmured and stalked upstairs towards her husband's office with a deadly look on her face.

Five seconds later, the smashing of glass could be heard and a figure was seen flying out the window.

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><p><strong>8. Run around the E.R screaming "The venom, it buuuurns!"<strong>

Carlisle Cullen was not in a good mood. This morning his wife had full on stormed into his office and threw him out the window for absolutely no reason. Well, he had an inkling that he was chosen as Bella's new target and she said something that ticked Esme off.

His eyes narrowed and he vowed to himself that he would not turn into a terrified mess of a vampire like three of his children because they were a little traumatised by small human girl. No, he was much stronger than—

"THE VENOM! IT BUUUUUUURNS!" Came a loud scream and the very human he was thinking about streaked across the E.R and out of site, still screaming about the venom. Carlisle gasped in horror as did several other people and he cursed the fact that he had a picturesque memory.

Because Bella was stark naked.

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><p><strong>7. When he says he has a chance at heaven, get up in his face and laugh.<strong>

"I believe I do have a chance to get into heaven—"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What is so funny?"

"Ahhh, Carlizzle, you're a riot!"

…

"Would you stop calling me that."

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><p><strong>6. Get on the pager at the hospital and say "Paging Doctorizzle Carlizzle Cullizzle, fo' shizzle."<strong>

Bella hummed the Bond theme song as she walked up to the reception desk of the hospital. She winked at a few nurses who stared at her in worry and shock.

"Isabella Swan?!" The receptionist gasped as she leaned against the desk. "You know you're banned from entering the hospital unless you are seriously hurt."

"Ah, Julie. Did you change your hair?" Bella asked, putting up the smooth front. Julie fingered her hair and blushes.

"I-I did."

"Daaayum girl, if I was gay, I'd be all up in ya, get what I'm saying gurl?" The poor receptionist sputtered.

"Listen, sugar-cakes, Doctor Gibson stopped me and told me he wanted to see you in his office. Pretty urgent." Bella knew that said Doctor was having an affair with the lovely receptionist so she knew exactly what she was saying. Julie straightened up, nodded and shuffled away, leaving the desk wide open. Smirking, Bella jumped over the desk and picked up the intercom microphone.

"Paging Doctorizzle Carlizzle Cullizzle, you have a message at the main desk. I repeat Doctorizzle Carlizzle Cullizzle; you have a message at the main desk."

Bella laughed manically while she was chased down by a very angry Carlisle in hospital scrubs wielding a bloody scalpel.

* * *

><p><strong>5. Take down all his paintings in his office and replace them with Yaoi porn.<strong>

Penises. Penises everywhere.

* * *

><p>4<strong>. Follow him at work singing, "Doctor Doctor!" <strong>

"Doctor Doctor, give me the news I've got a baaad case of loving you!"

"OUCH! Jesus, Doug! Be more careful on the goods."

"Sorry, Bella, but you know you're banned for life from the hospital. I'm just doing my job."

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><p><strong>3. Get sick, cough all over him.<strong>

"Carlisle, I'm dying!" Sniffled Bella as she furiously wiped at her shining red nose. Carlisle cautiously approached the sick girl and placed another damp cloth on her head. The rest of the family firmly avoided her. Even her beloved Edward who said, "You're the doctor, you deal with her!"

"Carlisle… Are you there?" Bella reached out blindly, and Carlisle sighed, grabbing her wrist.

"Come closer." She rasped and Carlisle obliged, somewhat hesitantly. He leaned down until he could feel her breathe on his face. Suddenly Bella lapsed into a coughing fit…right in his face.

Carlisle pushed away from her violently.

"Fuck this, I'm out!"

* * *

><p><strong>2. Give Esme, Alice and Rosalie his credit card to go shopping.<strong>

"WHO THE FUCK SPENT ALL THIS MONEY! ALICE! ROSALIE! ESME!" Carlisle screamed as he flew down the stairs and into the lounge room where the family was gathered. Alice suddenly jumped up and pointed a finger at Bella.

"SHE DID IT, CARLISLE! SHE TOLD US TO SPEND IT ALL! I COULDN'T REFUSE!" Alice wailed and collapsed on Jasper and harshly whispered in her ear, something along the lines of "You've doomed us all!"

Carlisle turned his murderous gaze on the human wedged tightly between Edward and Emmett on the couch.

"Isabella, did you tell Alice and Rosalie to spend all my money, maxing out my credit card?" He asked, his voice deadly calm. Bella kept her eyes trained on the TV screen.

"Do you," She turned away from the screen and stared at Carlisle with fire behind her eyes "have a problem with it?"

It was at that moment that Carlisle realized he wasn't immune to this human. She was fucking terrifying.

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><p><strong>1. Plant a cow on the kitchen table. Tell Esme that Carlisle wanted to bring dinner home.<strong>

"Bellaaa, you know I don't do this kind of stuff anymore," Emmett said, an unconscious cow slung over his shoulder. Bella spared him a glance from over her shoulder.

"You're only out if I say you're out. Do I make myself clear?" Emmett gulped.

"Yes ma'am."

When they arrived back at the Cullen house Emmett placed the now awake cow on the kitchen table, per Bella's order. He quickly disappeared after that.

"What is this?!" Esme shrieked as she walked into the dining to see a live cow licking the walls.

"Carlisle said he wanted to bring dinner home," Replied Bella as she walked into the room and back out again.

In the distance, Carlisle's agonized scream was heard.

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><p><strong>I hope to release the next chapter as soon as I can.<strong>

**Until then I'm truly sorry I haven't updated in a very very long time.**

**Until next time,**

**ZooperDooper.**


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